birth day

This is part five, the final post of my surrogacy. See here for earlier posts.



Pregnancy generally is something that is shared. Shared with almost anyone that could stand to hear about it, 'in case you didn't know' (of course, after that first top-secret 12 weeks of pregnancy) but this was different. Eleni kept the pregnancy quiet on her end since laws in Australia looked down on surrogate pregnancies and here, with me, I didn't know what was next; what will people think, I just didn't know how to feel. After so long of wanting to be pregnant as a surrogate, I was. Now, that I was, what would be asked, how would I answer all those questions.

It was easy at first, there were no questions. I suppose my family didn't want to cross that path until necessary, but they didn't even ask if I was pregnant, though they knew about the surrogacy and the transfer. They always supported me, but not necessarily my decision. I can't blame them though either, as you can see, I didn't know exactly how to feel myself.

Looking back, this was probably the hardest part of the surrogacy. People never knew what to say, so nothing at all was said, when I was pregnant, but more so after I had the baby. My family simply didn't talk about it. Almost like it didn't happen. A sister-in-law described it best "we don't want to act like this didn't happen, but we don't know what to say". I'm not blaming anyone, as I didn't know how to talk about being a surrogate either. It's like being asked the question, 'so, who are you?' can you easily and eloquently say something just right? I quite simply couldn't.

After I told my immediate family, I shared it with my extended 'child care' family. I started the conversation the same way each time, "I'm pregnant, but this is a special pregnancy". I was encouraged by their reactions. My husband shared the news with his family. They had no idea that I even applied to be a surrogate, so this was a surprise to them. Obviously, some reactions were better than others, but overall their reactions made me more excited as the pregnancy progressed.

The pregnancy progressed. The pregnancy was uneventful for the most part. I continued my life as normal, only the calendar was dotted with OB appointments where I had to yet again explain to the nurse that I'm a surrogate, after a few times of this I just went along with it and stopped explaining. I did this with strangers too. Someone would ask my son if he was going to be a big brother, I'd say 'well, he doesn't really know' or something somewhat clever, I just didn't want to tell every stranger I was a surrogate. As for my son, I never told him I was 'growing a baby in my tummy', he was two and we decided he didn't really need to know as this wouldn't change his life by any means. The only time he really said anything was the day I went into labor, 'Mommy is big'.

The hardest part of the pregnancy was being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I didn't expect to not pass the test. I cried for days, I cried in the OB office, I cried at the dietitian, I cried because I was doing all this for someone else's baby. All the books they gave you ended with, 'all that hard work you will do means a healthy baby for you to take home'. That was hard. I wasn't getting any 'reward' for being a good diabetic, but of course, I did it for Eleni and for their baby. I was scared too, that this meant they would tell me to not get pregnant again for awhile, to let my blood sugar levels stabilize, to put off having another child for my family. That too, was hard.

I wrote about Eleni being calm. If this had been her first child, I imagine she would have been a wreck about me having diabetes, but she wasn't. I've read stories about soon-to-be mother's from surrogate pregnancies breaking down in the hospital. Eleni already being a mother, was the picture of calm, this was for me a huge blessing.

We emailed at least weekly, we talked on the phone not as often. She called me on the cell phone at the sonogram appointments, where I'm sure she would have given the world to be in that room, but couldn't. She was there (on the phone) when she found out she was having a boy and there at following ones listening to how well her little boy was growing, hearing the heartbeat. I mailed her all the pictures from the sonograms, it was as good as we both could do until she got here.

She got to Minneapolis on a Thursday night. I picked her up from the airport. I was nervous. I imagine she was nervous too. I saw her, waved and we hugged each other and in the middle of our embrace was her baby. His presence was obvious to us both. I had told Eleni that 'Henry was early, so please come early'. She fortunately listened, as I went into labor that Monday.

It's still a blur. It's also blending in with Wyatt's birth, that was just 11 months later. The nurses were incredible. They were so excited; for Eleni, for me, for themselves to be part of a surrogate's birth. It was less intense than Henry's as he had some more than difficult moments, but still the energy flowed in the room. When the time came to push, my husband was at my feet and Eleni was holding my hand. For those of you that have given birth, you know when there is only one push left, you can feel it. I didn't say a word, I just squeezed Eleni's hand letting her know her baby was almost here. This moment is one of the greatest single moments in my life, no words, just my hand and hers. In re-telling this story, I cry at this moment almost every time. I think of this moment almost daily two years later.

Two years ago today, 'Ari' was born. May 23rd, 2006.

Eleni holding her son for the first time

and Eleni's husband

my beautiful surro-son Ari, Happy Birthday