another one where I look like an idiot

It started out innocently enough. We (me and the three toddlers) were sitting outside of the library after a fun story time featuring the letter 'F' or something just as clever. They were sitting on the metal benches; L shaped with a metal table between them, munching happily on those damn teddy bear graham snacks and sippy cups with water.

They finished up their snacks and I bent over to clean up the mess that only three toddlers could make (because I try to be a responsible child care provider when visible to the public, teasing). I reached in between the bench and the table to pick up two of the straggling bear grahams. I couldn't quite reach them, so I squeezed my arm down a little farther. I finally grabbed them in my fist and pulled up.

Only my arm wouldn't budge. I twisted it, I tried some sliding up and down action, I took off my watch to see if that would somehow make me thinner, I went down to the floor on my knees to see if the different angle would release my arm.

Yep. Nothing worked.

I closed my eyes and twisted my neck as much as I could, sort of giggling, like silly me: "Miss, could you help me? My arm is stuck."

Of course, the kids were all looking at me thinking I'm acting like the normal weirdo I am. 'Mommy, get your arm out'. The lady helping looked pretty much the same way 'you got your arm in there, can't you get it out the same way?'

Logical as that sounds, it wasn't happening.

I asked if she could get some lotion. My first thought was actually butter since that's what I tried using to get Henry's head stuck out of a banister once, but then realized butter probably wouldn't be the first thing they *might* have at a library. Lotion it is.

She told me she didn't have anything, but she would go get help.

In the meantime, she packed up her lunch. Looking at what she might have to help me, she offered her banana peel. I looked at it, said the heck with it and started smearing the banana peel all over my still stuck arm.

I then grabbed a sippy cup, twisted it open with my mouth and my one free hand and poured the water over my arm. The only effect that had was to soaked my arm and to start a puddle under the table that slowly crept onto the knees of my pants.

Cool, now I looked like I've peed my pants.

Then the security guard from the library showed up, asking the same question; 'can't you just pull it out?'

I wanted to say 'No, see I'm an idiot and those three kids are all mine, all less than 1 year apart and I'm pregnant right now, see super smart and responsible!" (dang it, why was I wearing a shirt that didn't make me look 'obviously pregnant' not just a shirt that says 'maybe she's just fat?')

I couldn't figure out a way to casually work into the conversation that I was pregnant and that he should totally give me a 'pregnancy points' break.

He decided to call maintenance to see if they could unbolt the table from the ground.

Great, *see* if they can unbolt it. I have visions of 911 being called for the poor woman that has her arm stuck between a table, a bench and some soggy teddy bear graham snacks. Awesome.

The maintenance crew rolled in with a tray of tools and determined that it was OK to unbolt the table.

The security guard asked me for my name and so forth. 'Perfect!' I'm thinking. He's writing out an incident report so they can all laugh about it later on, maybe post it on the cork board for the other security guards to chuckle at.

And I still need to work in somewhere that I'm pregnant, not just a fat mom with three toddlers poking their fingers at my face.

Finally, they unbolted the table, the kids all cheered (probably more so from getting a huge stack of stickers for being so patient) and the security guard asked one last time, 'am I sure I don't want to have an ambulance called to check out my arm?'

'Umm, no thanks.'

I left with my bruised arm, bruised ego and those damn soggy teddy bears thrown back into my tupperware,

because I'm a good child care provider like that,

albeit an idiot.