I don't want to blog about this but if I don't, I can't move forward. I can't think of anything else. It's been consuming my thoughts and squeezing my heart until it aches.
A mother is suppose to know.
There is an over-diagnosed, over-medicated problem that I never wanted to be a part of, but here I am contemplating if Henry has ADD. I've heard what his preschool teacher said last year 'he dazes off like he isn't listening... you have to repeat instructions to him several times'. I get it, I do, but he's only 6 years old. He's a boy. Boys are just like that.
Right?
I don't want to be another one of those mothers who thinks labeling the problem fixes it.
And now we are getting emails, the same story. "He talks too much... he doesn't listen... please work with him at home".
We are. We have never *not*.
Maybe we as a society are expecting too much from school aged children, cramming into their little brains all that they can before SAT and 'school' progress reports, hoping that our children can stop acting like children during the hours of 9am-3:30pm and start remembering that school is their job.
Here I am confident that we made the right choice for Henry going into an immersion school, because it's more physical, there is more movement, he gets to get out of his chair, but then I get crushed by another voice: 'maybe it's the school's problem, not Henry's'.
Maybe they are right.
A mother doesn't always know.
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42 comments:
Ugh! Just ugh! This is so tough. Because we all just want to do what's right for our kids and then there's this not knowing what's right. I wish I had some words of wisdom but some of the things you've mentioned we've had first hand experience too (our Henry is physical, needs to be moving and busy too) I'll be thinking of you Beth as you figure it all out, let me know if you need an ear to bounce things off of.
That is tough. Wishing you the best as you figure all this out. I have a feeling it's going to be coming my way with our middle son one day....
I worry about this all the time- and my boys are 15 months old. My husband had a childhood filled with issues due to his long undiagnosed ADHD. He still remembers the appointment when his parents finally had him evaluated at 13 years old and his Dad told him "you better not just be f*ing round!" Well, he wasn't, and things drastically improved for him afterwards. As a parent you don't want to jump the gun but for some kids it's real...
This is so hard. What is normal these days. I see lots of kids at work but very few that actually need medication for ADD. But it can't hurt to ask about it and find some non-medicine techniques to try.
We never know we just guess with the best info we have. But whether we know we always work on it and I know you have done nothing but the best to help Henry and will continue to do so.
You are a mom. It's what we do.
It is so hard to know the right thing to do when we are at a crossroads....I hope you will get a gut instinct for what might be going on and go with it when you do...
First take a deep breath, then give yourself a ton of credit for being miles ahead of many parents: you are AWARE. That will be worth more to your son's wellbeing that just about anything in the long run. I'm not saying it's the school's fault, but we have all become so accustomed to labeling that we DO forget that 6 year olds are BUSY! Give him time - they wanted my kid on Ritalin when he was 6 too, and I wouldn't do it. Now he's the least "ADD" person I know. Hang in there!
Hmm. This is hard. Does your gut tell you anything? My gut is usually right, if I can just stop to listen to it.
Do the teachers want to get him assessed?
I do think there is too much sitting down and learning too early. That really doesn't work for all kids.
I am so sorry... I wonder the same thing with my son and go back and forth as what to do, and I graduated in psychology!
His preschool teacher, who loves him, once said "this is something you will probably always be dealing with"
And I think school is way too hard and too much pressure too soon.
I'm not saying Henry has ADD but I thought I'd let you know that I have some experience with all this. I was personally diagnosed with ADD about 6 months after my son. He was 11 and I was 32. As the mother of 4 kids (3 do not have ADD), I knew something wasn't right for years. Teachers complained of him not paying attention (being in la-la land). He brought home almost all of work that he couldn't do in class. Homework took hours to do at night. He was constantly frustrated and falling behind. He didn't have the hyperactivity aspect so it was a confusing time.
I won't write a huge story here but I want you to know that if you want a mom's perspective and the perspective of someone who also has ADD please feel free to contact me.
Thinking about you! :)
We just had the same meeting with our youngests teacher. I've been trying to ignore it, but he has two half brothers who are ADHD, so it's always been there. And then this meeting where the teachers danced around questions of medical appointments and do I need to repeat instructions with him, and does it seem like he can't sit still, no matter what he tries... So next week we start testing with the Dr's and the school... I kept playing it off as he's 7... he has normal energy of a 7 year old. We're at a new school, new teachers new expectations, and suddenly my head of the class kid is meeting with the special ed teacher... I feel your pain... on so many levels.
As a mom I can totally understand how you must be feeling. Just by reading your post, your words and your openness is tugging at my heartstrings.
{{hugs}} to you honey.
Honestly I do not believe today's school system is made for little boys. They don't have the self-control to sit for a really long time, listen and then color (something girls love to do but most boys detest so not much of reward for them after sitting all day!). They want to run, scream and build. Maybe you could try doing a really fun activity after school that involves running, screaming, etc. for when he has a good day.
I have girls and boys. I see a huge difference in the early years!
((HUGS)) this parenting stuff is tough!
i have two trains of thought...
the first is my teacher hat. and saying those words to a parent are not easy. and ones i never said unless i truly had a feeling. but as a teacher i would also tell you medicine is the absolute last resort. their are so many things that can be done before taking that big step. but with that said i would also tell you that i have had many students who finally found themselves once they started taking it.
my mom hat immediately gets defensive. only we know our kids. stupid teachers. but i know that's the emotional part speaking. not the rational part. it's so hard to be a mom. so hard.
no matter what happens friend he is still henry. your henry.
We have medicated our daughter and I was absolutely sick about it. She is 14 now and so glad we did follow the doctor's suggestion and just try it. The doctor said, "You'll either see a difference or you won't with the medication and then we'll know more." We did and she says school is so much easier now. Good luck with your journey. It surely is a confusing one.
Oh shit! I think Henry is MENSA. I'm so sorry Beth. Calvin is funking music (?!?). He hasn't lost a tooth either.
What a tough thing to deal with. Yes, boys are boy...and yes, ADD and ADHD are over-diagnosed (that is an understatement)...and it must be terrible to think that your son might possibly have ADD. Be thankful, though, that he might have ADD and it isn't something more serious - like autism. It is something that can easily be checked by a professional psychologist (don't go to a psychiatrist or else they'll want to give him drugs).
~WM
oh Beth I'm soo sorry - tough to deal with as a mom that's for sure - but follow your heart...perhaps try a different classroom/school/situation and see if he is any different?
He IS a 6 year old little boy after all - and winters are tough here...I know I am climbing the walls and I'm 35!
Our kids today are sooo overmedicated - I work in a clinic where I swear ADD is always being *diagnosed*
Hang in there - thanks for sharing your thoughts with us...let us know if we can do ANYTHING -
I am so sorry. These moments of wondering and analyzing and then trying not to do either of those things are so hard. You are being a great mother. Keep being his advocate, just like you have been. You will all figure this out.
I think my parents went through the same thing w/my sister, and it wasn't until she was an adult that she got medication for it on her own. And it helped. She and my mom always wonder 'what if' but she knows my mom did the best she could with what she knew at the time. Hugs to you.
Oh, Beth. This is the hardest. In my case with Corey, I never had the sorts of problems at home that they were having at school, but there was no denying the problems were real. Even though you might feel like you're being forced into a tunnel right now, there are a LOT of paths ahead for you to choose. Some of them you'll only recognize in hindsight (see, it's not just our parents who didn't get it all immediately).
The thing is to check into all of your options. I, honestly, ended up being too willingly coerced into medicating my son. As time has gone on, he has needed higher doses and more types of medications. I believe once you medicate, that becomes a primary focus ("is the medication working? does he need more? something different? something to help this one work better?).
There are other options, such as homeschooling (because some kids really just need more attention than they're going to get in a large group setting) and bio-feedback (brain training that is supposed to be most effective *before* long-term medication has been utilized). There's also just plain sticking to your guns and helping him work through it with the school (the hardest one, because the labels don't come from you... and the people who want to apply them have a hard time seeing anything else). And sometimes, finding a new teacher is the way to go. It's not one I was willing to do because I figured that we deal with all types throughout life and Corey was going to have to learn sometime... which sounds kind of heartless now, but that's not how I meant it. If I could redo everything, there are three things I'd change: 1) Delay kindergarten; 2) Don't medicate so easily; and 3) Get him away from the people who couldn't see any good in my boy.
The thing is, for all of us who've been there, every situation is different. The good news is that there are multiple "right" answers. I know you and your husband will find something that works for Henry.
Sorry this has turned into a mini-book. I'm here if you want to chat or bounce ideas off me. Email is Signshan at aol.
Hang in there and know you're not alone.
This struck home with me because we have been wondering the same things about our little guy. I agree that schools especially can be quick to label any kind who doesn't sit still for 8 hours straight and pay perfect attention as having ADD. I finally said to myself...he's a little boy! We can't expect them to be perfectly behaved all the time. I know this is truly real for some kids but I think it's terribly overmedicated and over diagnosed.
Alot of times ADHD is actually a misdiagnosis. Also look into Sensory Processing Disorder or Sensory Integration Dysfunction. We're in the process of learning about that with our 6 year old son, who was diagnised w/ it this school year. You should also trust your own gut feeling. If you truely don't feel there's anything wrong with him then address it with the teacher. Getting a diagnosis is important, whatever it might be, so you can move forward from here! Good luck!
You are so correct in your statement that ADD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated. I feel that our schools want to lump all of our children into one group and if they don't function exactly the way they expect there must be something wrong and we need to fix it.
You may be correct that the problem might be with the school. No 6 year old child is going to tell his teacher that he isn't getting the help or attention that he needs. They say this by acting out. Also the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy; to be a hero, to be a warrior, and to live a life of adventure and risk aren't usually met by sitting at a desk all day.
It is so hard as mothers to feel confident in the choices that we make for our children. Regardless of the choices you make always remember that you made them with love and your child's best interest at heart.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
There is no questioning that schools are pushing kids to learn more faster, and have the abilities to do more than ever, so you really do have to be careful with a quick diagnosis like this. As a mom I'd feel the same way and just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for my son. As a teacher I am aware that there are signs and while it is over diagnosed, if a student is to be successful this process may be necessary.
I am afraid I may be headed down the same path due to the fact that my husband has ADHD - it certainly is not an easy thing to deal with.
Obviously I don't know Henry personally so I can't speak to him specifically but I do know my own brother so I'll work with that.
My mom pulled my brother out of public school in the middle of second grade to homeschool him. He could not sit still for any length of time and she only got him to do school by promising that if he "finished math he could run around the house 3 times". And that's how she schooled him and he did great.
I think you are right that Henry is only 6 and it's fair to say that he behaviors are simply those of a six year old. He might very well have ADD but I hope that you have to opportunity to explore other options first.
No matter what I'm sure you will do what's right for him and this will all be just a memory one day just like it is for my mother and her 28 year old college graduate son.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as I'm sure this isn't easy.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments, I've read through each of them several times.
What a great group of people you all are to come and help me talk through this.
It is appreciated, more than I can express.
I'm so glad you did blog about it--I've loved reading through all the comments. My 5 yr old brings home "not paying attention" notes from school too. He also exhibits tic behavior which is very frustrating to deal with. It is a challenge and I reading the comments gives me comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.
Hey there-
I don't have experience with this stuff, and so I have no advice to offer. I just wanted to say that I empathize with you because one of the key issues here is how society/schools/teachers often seem to jump on these "challenging behaviours" and how it just seems like kids can't be kids anymore. On the other hand, you don't want to ignore it if it indeed could be a problem. Such a crappy place to be.
Thanks for blogging about it, though. It provides you with some relief to get it off your chest, but it also makes other mothers feel like we're not alone with these kinds of issues.
Wow - what a difficult topic to tackle as a parent. Keep us updated on how your family handles this.
I will offer some agreement with you on having our expectations too high. I can't believe they are giving first graders letter grades at Alan's school!! We are struggling with the decision (that is if we get an input) of repeating first grade because there are actual "D" and "F" letter grades on his report card. We will be praying for the best outcome for Henry.
I'm not qualified to give any advice other than to assure you that you know him better than anyone else on the planet.
This is really hard. I hope you get some answers soon. My twins are just 4, but sometimes I wonder about Izzy. My BIL has ADD, and I believe that means she may have a genetic predisposition. No one has said anything to me yet, but she's just in preschool, so....time will tell. Good luck and I hope it's just typical boy "stuff."
Stopping by from SITS and wishing you a great day :)
Labeling. Oh man labels scare the crap out of me. I do feel like all this labeling is a societal problem. Everyone needs a place, a category, a reason for why they are the way they are.
The only advice I have is listen to you instincts and whatever they tell you, you know what it best for your son.
Oh, I can't imagine. You are right, he's only 6. Maybe you could chat with a pediatrician? Sorry, I can't help you out.
Having said that, I have high school students that do have it and do (and sometimes don't) take medicine. And, it is soooo obvious when they do and when they don't.
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Oh, my dear, this must be agony for you! I'm so sorry! I'm not a parent, but I have so many friends that go through these same questions with their children. I hope you are able to find the answers you're looking for.
Hang in there!
I think you bring up a good point in regards to the pressure we put on young kids today. It is ridiculous! Whatever happened to just enjoying life a little and not worrying so much about work, competition and being better than everyone else. I don't have children, but I am almost scared to because of the pressure of getting into the best schools, best programs, best this, best that. Then there is all the pressure on the kid. Yikes!
Sending well wishes your way,
April
School teachers tried to tell my mom that my brother had ADD when he was small. My mom tried the medication thing and he HATED it and asked to be taken off it. In the end he didn't end up having ADD he just had a lack of intrest in school and poor organizational skills. I agree that it is the TEACHERS job not the KIDS. There are a lot of teachers out there that have forgotten this and won't let kids talk or move for 6 hours straight. kids can't do it.
Hang in there, take him to a doctor and have the doctor give you a suggestion. If you go don't mention that someone thinks he has ADD. Let the Dr. give you his unbiased opinion.
Not knowing is the hardest part of being a parent.
Ahh, something I have experience with. My mom and I went through thia with my brother. Same comments from school staff, same situation, same feeling of 'he's a kid, not a robot drone'. At the age of 13, I became gaurdian after our mother died and chose to homeschool. He did VERY WELL.He had the same attention issues so we had to change the way he was taught. After a year, he decided he wanted to go back to public school and it started all over again. Now he is 16 and was just officially diagnosed as ADD and was put on low dose meds. He is going great now. You are right, your son is 6. Give him some time before you make any decisions. I know you didn't ask for advice but while it feels like the world will cave in on you, he's your son. Don't let the school system bully you and don't be afraid to tell them to piss off.
Dude - I am living this right now with my nearly six year old too. Ugh. I could write for hours on this topic. Just got his report card last week and have been so stressed about it all. Keep us posted, please, and know you're not alone.
p.s. I got the "you should work with him at home too" and it made me cringe b/c I DO IT every single day for at least an hour :( And I'm a teacher, so it made me feel worse.
Hey I've been reading about this! School is just not designed for boys in the first few years....more for girls. They are expected to sit too much and concentrate when they really want to be practicing their ninja skills. Since I have 2 boys now, I'm wondering how to handle this.....
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