This is part 2 of my surrogate story. If you would like to catch up, you will find part 1 here.My application was handed out to couples that had hired the agency to find a surrogate for them. Though many believe (myself included) that this process would be equal in that I would be handed just as many potential parents' applications, this was not the case. It took only a few weeks for me to get my first phone call. They had a 'lovely couple in France' that they would love to set up a telephone conversation with. The time difference was taken into consideration, I arranged for my husband to be on the line during this conversation, and we all looked forward to speaking with each other.
The conversation began as awkward as you can imagine. There was the coordinator of the agency introducing each other, the owner of the agency who happened to be a lawyer, then the husband from France (who's wife didn't speak any English) and then my husband and myself. The coordinator starting walking each of us through my application talking about points and asking if there was questions. We seemed to pretty much be on the same page, until it came to selective reduction.
The conversation was no, he would not want to reduce the number of babies, if I were willing to carry one, two or three (with the possibility of one splitting). It was my body to chose to carry that many children. The conversation delved deeper, what if abnormalities became an issue. His answer, absolutely abort, we do not want to take care of a mongol (which is what many French referred to as a child with Down Syndrome). My husband and I shared with him about my husband's uncle having Downs and being one of the happiest people we had known. We also shared with him that we would adopt the child if this were to happen, as the chances of this would be very slim, but we would be certainly willing. He answers we cannot put that burden on another family. With that, the lawyer cut in and decided we probably would not make a good match. He would pass the phone to the coordinator to discuss where each of us would go from here. With a click of the line, the phone went dead and I didn't hear again from the agency for three months.
I had decided that you probably cannot be a surrogate without allowing parents the choice to selectively reduce. I understood where other surrogates were coming from, it's the intended parents' child(ren), it's their family's future at stake, but it is also my body. An agency that would allow me this choice seemed impossible. I decided I must have to take a different road to get to this 'path' I really desired to take.
I put an ad though a message board on surrogate mothers online. I decided that I would not work with an agency and instead go independently in finding a couple. My ad had several response, which relinquished my heart that not all intended parents wanted to selectively reduce. One woman's response, Deborah caught my eye and we chatted online. She wanted another child to add to her current family. We decide to talk on the phone.
The conversation went very smooth, we agreed on all points, had a real conversation just myself and her. In the end she asked me if I wanted to work with her and I said 'yes'.
The next step for all involved is the contract. Obviously, this is mandatory before taking any steps to becoming pregnant with another person's embryos. She said that she would get the contract to me with all the legalities from her state to my own typed up and emailed to me within two weeks. Two weeks had passed, she then told me about this happening, that happening and it would be another week. I gave her exactly a week. When the contract didn't arrive I contacted her quietly through an email that I 'wasn't the surrogate for her'.
I want to take a step back to say that not all relationships start off so business-like, many people are good friends. I would have loved to have been a surrogate for a dear friend, but I just didn't know of anyone that was that far into infertility. I couldn't even think about how to start this line of conversation. I ended my relationship with Deborah because this (missing deadlines) was a major red flag. She essentially was still a stranger that I only yet had potential for becoming friends.
This now comes to where three months has passed since the agency has contacted me, where they left me on the line, literally hanging. The coordinator left a message on my phone that 'they now have the perfect couple. I responded that I was left for three months, dropped with no information and was choosing to go independent. My agency responded with a quick 'oh, I see'. Several hours later I was contacted by the owner of the agency (again remember a lawyer) who told me that all the testing that they have paid for would not be able to used for an independent surrogacy. He went on about other things they have invested in me. In the end of his conversation, he asked me to talk to this couple. Just see. So I did.
The conversation began as awkward as you can imagine. There was the coordinator of the agency introducing each other, the owner of the agency who happened to be a lawyer, then the husband from France (who's wife didn't speak any English) and then my husband and myself. The coordinator starting walking each of us through my application talking about points and asking if there was questions. We seemed to pretty much be on the same page, until it came to selective reduction.
The conversation was no, he would not want to reduce the number of babies, if I were willing to carry one, two or three (with the possibility of one splitting). It was my body to chose to carry that many children. The conversation delved deeper, what if abnormalities became an issue. His answer, absolutely abort, we do not want to take care of a mongol (which is what many French referred to as a child with Down Syndrome). My husband and I shared with him about my husband's uncle having Downs and being one of the happiest people we had known. We also shared with him that we would adopt the child if this were to happen, as the chances of this would be very slim, but we would be certainly willing. He answers we cannot put that burden on another family. With that, the lawyer cut in and decided we probably would not make a good match. He would pass the phone to the coordinator to discuss where each of us would go from here. With a click of the line, the phone went dead and I didn't hear again from the agency for three months.
I had decided that you probably cannot be a surrogate without allowing parents the choice to selectively reduce. I understood where other surrogates were coming from, it's the intended parents' child(ren), it's their family's future at stake, but it is also my body. An agency that would allow me this choice seemed impossible. I decided I must have to take a different road to get to this 'path' I really desired to take.
I put an ad though a message board on surrogate mothers online. I decided that I would not work with an agency and instead go independently in finding a couple. My ad had several response, which relinquished my heart that not all intended parents wanted to selectively reduce. One woman's response, Deborah caught my eye and we chatted online. She wanted another child to add to her current family. We decide to talk on the phone.
The conversation went very smooth, we agreed on all points, had a real conversation just myself and her. In the end she asked me if I wanted to work with her and I said 'yes'.
The next step for all involved is the contract. Obviously, this is mandatory before taking any steps to becoming pregnant with another person's embryos. She said that she would get the contract to me with all the legalities from her state to my own typed up and emailed to me within two weeks. Two weeks had passed, she then told me about this happening, that happening and it would be another week. I gave her exactly a week. When the contract didn't arrive I contacted her quietly through an email that I 'wasn't the surrogate for her'.
I want to take a step back to say that not all relationships start off so business-like, many people are good friends. I would have loved to have been a surrogate for a dear friend, but I just didn't know of anyone that was that far into infertility. I couldn't even think about how to start this line of conversation. I ended my relationship with Deborah because this (missing deadlines) was a major red flag. She essentially was still a stranger that I only yet had potential for becoming friends.
This now comes to where three months has passed since the agency has contacted me, where they left me on the line, literally hanging. The coordinator left a message on my phone that 'they now have the perfect couple. I responded that I was left for three months, dropped with no information and was choosing to go independent. My agency responded with a quick 'oh, I see'. Several hours later I was contacted by the owner of the agency (again remember a lawyer) who told me that all the testing that they have paid for would not be able to used for an independent surrogacy. He went on about other things they have invested in me. In the end of his conversation, he asked me to talk to this couple. Just see. So I did.
6 comments:
i am still in shock and amazing that you were willing to do this for someone else. Truley amazing. I have been having my husband read these post because this is just so touching
Wow. I am so sucked in and was waiting for more, but it was done... for now.
I can't wait to keep reading.
You are amazing. Surrogate mothers are the most unselfish, giving people on Earth, and deserve extra foot rubs and chocolate in Heaven. Oooo, and soft lighting! Which makes everything better.
Seriously? Wow. I so proud of you, and I've never even met you. You rock.
Wow... I can't believe that there are people like the French couple.
There is so much more to this than I would have imagined. I can not wait for more. please tell us more!
Hi, Beth's husband again. Yes, I was surprised with the French couple's feelings also. I remember him saying "I wouldn't wish for that existence for anyone" when the down syndrome question arosed. But it does sound like they are about 50 to 70 years behind the states in the opportunites for people with down syndrome. He said the they are put away in "insane asylums" as he called them. I felt the fact that they still use the term mongloid was telling about the perspective people have. I did not and am not degrading him for his oppinion but we obviously were coming from completely different outlooks and national environments for people with down syndrome.
You are a great story teller, Beth. I really love how you are writing this in installments and am anxiously waiting for more! :)
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